Me
It’s funny for this title to be labeled Me, but with AD/HD you do have a tendency to forget the world around you.
I am a newly diagnosed husband, father, son, friend, co-worker, and individual. I found out around November 1st, but have suspected for years that something was wrong. Something wasn’t right. I couldn’t put my finger on it and so floundered for years trying to figure out why I couldn’t accomplish my goals.
After my diagnosis I reread some of my started journals from my teens and 20’s where I repeatedly talked about the challenges. How I needed to buckle down and get back to a structure. How if I could just follow a routine I would succeed. I had glimpses of success but it seemed to me I was always getting in the way of this.
To people looking in they might have noticed something about me was different. I say might but I had long learned that a face of confidence was the best defense for the uncertainty, fear, and dread that seemed to be my companion with everything I did. I had started companies but left after they started to take off. I had success in sales but left because it was too easy and the tasks of managing my accounts and staff were draining. I bounced from job to job. Relationship to relationship. I knew that I had to find a way to stay at something longer than a year or I would never be able to enjoy the success I wanted to, which was more than most people cared about.
When I met my wife it was an “aha” moment that defied the inner turmoil. She is patient, caring, loving, and more wonderful than I thought I deserved. As the years have gone on I see the challenges she faces with me. My bursts of energy, the tuning out, the explosive impulses, the constant need for new, new, new. We have three sons and they have stretched her even further. Now looking at them I worry for her, for them, and for our family wondering how we can become educated, practiced, structured so that they grow up with a better chance than I did.
Understanding what is different is a blessing and a curse. It brings hope. It also brings fear. Hope for change and control. Fear for failing and losing what I have and value so much, even when it doesn’t seem so. I want to share what I’m learning but I know that many people around me are unable to understand or comprehend what this means. It’s not their fault. They can’t understand what is going on if it hasn’t happened to them or those around them. The large majority of information portrays it for what the definition is, a disorder. To people without this or something like it, it’s bad. It’s something to worry about. As I educate myself I also need to educate others at the rate they can manage.
Adjusting to this new paradigm is difficult. Adjusting to the medication is difficult. Leveraging my abilities and good points in a constructive manner takes time and effort. Wishing I never had this is pointless because I cannot change my past. It’s looking at tomorrow, next month, or next year that count. It is easy to plan in a vacum. It’s implementation that becomes difficult. It’s the follow up that we need to have.
My wife if my partner in this. Though I have not always been the greatest husband, we understand why and what we need to do. As I educate myself I’m sharing with her what I can. She’s learning too. I think she’s afraid at times, but as we make progress I hope the fear turns to hope, and faith.