Identifying
Do you feel like you can identify with others? Show a sense of empathy? I think a lot of people would say yes. On the same hand do you think a lot of people can identify with you? If you were me that would be a resounding NO.
I feel most days like no one gets me. That most people cannot identify with me. No matter how succesfull or well I do my job, I feel like I am not. I don’t know of many people that can identify with that. That have that question burrowing into their head. I do. But for some reason I don’t let it stop me.
I recently found someone I think I can identify with. He posts around the frequency I do and we have similar hobbies. Jeff’s A.D.D.
Sometimes I head over to the different ADHD forums, Additude magazine, or other blogs by people with ADD. Some of them seem similar but like all mental health deficiencies it varies by person. Our brains work in such an amazing way it can be so heartening to find someone you can relate with.
I love to work, to cook, to create, to solve problems, to dive in and find problems I can solve, and to help people, and to find new ways to do old things. How many of us do this? I belong to a group of men and women around the world called The BBQ Brethren. These people I can identify with. On the other hand, I wonder if they can identify with me? I put that aside and enjoy their company, even if I’ve never met most of them.
It is refreshing to read Jeff’s blogs and see what he’s seeing. Identifying. It’s a nice feeling.
Self Perception
In the last couple of weeks I have been making an attempt to branch out my understanding of ADD by reading some books by other authors. I picked up one in particular that was on Adult ADD. It is written by a psychologist that specializes in ADD and helping people to cope with their self perception. I have also picked up a work book looking to it to maybe create some more regular life processes.
As I started to read them I found them both to be disappointing. My initial look at them in the bookstore left me to hope I would find value in them. I can see where they would have value for many people who struggle with issues of confidence or understanding depending on their upbringing and their own experiences. I have not found them to as yet provide me with any more clarity regarding ADD than I have gained by the previous two books I read.
In my view of ADD, I do not see it as a life threatening disease. I see it as someone might view getting prescribed glasses for the first time. They knew they weren’t seeing things as clearly as others and weren’t sure why. Then they found a pair of glasses from a friend and realized that they were seeing things with some added clarity but decided to get checked out for themselves. After going to the eye doctor and getting a prescription they found that it was clearer and now they have a way of seeing clearer.
Like ADD, getting eye glasses takes some time to adjust. You have to remember to take them with you. You have to take care of them or they get broken and you have to get a new pair. Even when you do take them with you, putting them on is just as important or they don’t do any good.
Discovering ADD is exactly the same. You have a diagnosis and possibly a prescription. You take the medicine and it helps you to balance out yourself in many ways. Helps you to see the world in a clearer light without ten thousand thoughts racing through your head. Or at least without acting on them all at once. Developing your own processes and routines to help manage information, ideas, responsibilities, etc so that you function at a level that will allow you to leverage your abilities where before they might not have been.
Most people, “normal” or not, have had their fair share of hard knocks. ADD is not always to blame. If it is I look at it like failing to wear glasses when driving and getting a ticket because you couldn’t make out the signs. Adults who have inflicted pain or suffering on children do so because of who they are, not because of who you are. Either they have their own issues they are taking out on the children or they fail to consider the possibility that a particular child might need something different from other children. That’s not the child’s fault.
I am not the reason my parents made bad choices. They made those by themselves. I am the reason I make bad choices. As an adult my boss does not have the responsibility to take into consideration my deficiencies, only that a job needs done. If I am unable to complete the tasks he’s given me I need to communicate that to him or find another job.
When I found out I had ADD and what it is exactly it did not change who I was looking at in the mirror. It just brought him into focus so I could see him clearer. So instead of thinking I had a unibrow I see I had ink on my face.
A Day’s High Drama
Have those days that you can’t figure out what’s going on? You feel so disconnected and at the same time you are racing so fast you have no control over what you’re doing and why? That might seem weird to some people. That was me today. I felt like I was pinched between different gears as they are trying to work themselves out and in the process my brain was getting smashed.
This is not a foreign feeling for me. In fact until yesterday and today this was a fairly common feeling for me. I would say that almost every day of the last 20 years I could relate to it very well and the previous 10 I experienced it but not to the level that I did when my structure went away.
I think I understand what’s going on. Drama, confrontation, etc are things that people with AD/HD live with every day. In some cases they seek it out and look for it. I could say that was me to an extent. Now I don’t have to look for it, it finds me. One or two things - I can manage - but more than that - it’s starts to mount. 3 or 4 things I’m in getting full. Today it was 6 different projects, changes, responsibilities, etc. that wanted to push me over the edge. For some reason Tuesdays are always bad. I need to manage this better.
I say that but I know that it wasn’t me, it was the environment that felt like it had completely negated the benefits of my medicine. I need to get out of the panic mode. So I’m going to bed and get a full 8 hours of sleep, or close to it.
See you in the morning.