Attempting To Live Without Medication
Last year after I realized I had ADHD I was saved from myself by Medication. I do not deny it for a second. It helps me in so many ways to handle the world around me. To be able to sit at my desk for longer than 10 minutes without the urge to get up and walk around is in itself a miracle.
But I’ve noticed that as I’ve been on it longer I’ve also started to develop ticks. Nothing noticeable like my head rolling or my arm moving incontrollably but little things. I’ve also noticed that as I have lost weight, almost 50 pounds since last year I need less of the medicine. In fact the prescribed dose has almost a negative effect and the ticks become extremely pronounced.
Now I’m trying to live without the medicine and that’s a change. One of the changes is that I smoke less without the medicine. I sleep more too. That’s a good thing. I’m trying to create structure to exist without it. Meaning find ways to manage my time and tasks so that I’m free of the need.
One of the ways I’m doing that is by setting up a schedule that sends me reminders via google calendar
to my phone. Creating the routine that will enable me to fulfill what I’ve got going on. Talking to my wife about it so she’s aware of my time and making sure I’m aware of her time.
One thing I’m worried about is my sensitivity to the noise around me. As the medication leaves my system will I be able to handle it as well? What about my drinking? Will I start to drink more? Will I start to substitute dealing with a problem by eating more? Will I be prone to my rage more? Things that the medication clearly helped me with but now could come up again.
If there are those out there that have dealt with this problem in the past, please chime in.
Playing With Medication
Recently I’ve made a discovery about the medication my doctor prescribed for my AD/HD. On the weekends I split my prescribed daily amount in half and I have almost all of the benefits of the full dose during the week. In my job I handle dozens upon dozens of issues everyday. Personnel, project related, emergencies, ideas, future project issues, etc. It can be overwhelming. Most days it was. Since being diagnosed and realizing what the weaknesses are and adjusting to compensate for those by routine changes and including medication I find the capability to overcome.
I don’t think most doctors or pharmacists would tell you to play with the dosage amounts, but then they have lawsuits to prevent. Unlike a lot of drugs that require you to build up into your system dexedrine based medications are here today gone tomorrow. There might be some residual but generally it’s 24 hours and it’s out from what I’ve read on the pharmaceutical sites. I don’t need nearly the amount of focus at home, but the medication helps so much in calming my sensitivity to my surrounding.
Why, as I type my 2 boys are running around laughing and banging things all over. I know it’s going on, but I don’t feel like it’s going to split my head open from stimulus. I don’t know about other people and their various cocktails of medications they use. I know some people don’t use medication at all and rely on their natural temperment and routines. They probably don’t have 3 boys all under the age of 6.
So on the weekends I play with my medication dosage and during the week I work like the energizer rabbit - channeling my natural energy into my focus and tasks to accomplish the near impossible.
Diagnosis Week 4
Today starts the 4th week of being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. I’ve devoured all the information I can. I have read two of Dr. Halloway’s books and all of the posts and articles I can pertaining to adult AD/HD.
The good news is that I am learning, but even better is that many of the coping methods for surviving at work, finding work, excelling at work are processes and tactics I’ve developed over the years.
With the addition of medication it has enabled me to excel in ways I didn’t think possible. I’m moving faster, more efficiently, clearer, and best of all smarter. It has put me on a ground that I was stumbling as I moved but now am running. I’m so excited for the coming year. It’s going to be a busy year as I’ve just taken on one of, if not the largest project in my group that will last the entire year with a combined team of over 20 people. I’m actually working on a development plan and going to begin working with a mentor to help me refine the skills I’ve always been a little short on. Namely diplomacy.
The bad news is that as my wife and I are talking about it I’ve discovered how completely impossible I’ve been to live with. How I’ve neglected my kids, or been absent in my own world except when dragged kicking and screaming into the family’s existence. How irritable I’ve been towards my family. How selfish and distant I’ve been. It’s affected our finances, not to destruction but I see where I could have been. The only thing to do is to look forward and get moving. I see how I’ve been missing out on things and how it’s affected my children.
In the weeks since starting on the medication I’ve seen them, and they see me. The road to repairing the distance will take time. Especially building trust with my wife, but at least we understand why. My friends and extended family have been great, for those that I’ve told. Some of them are already seeing a difference.
Today was an interesting day. I woke up at my usual time and started my day out in a typical way. Today I resolved to forgo medication to see how I handled the day and what it brought. Being a Saturday there was low risk of screwing things up. That is until my wife walks in and confides that I’ve been an irritable grump the whole morning and that this is what I’ve been like for the last 8 years. I knew I was grumpy but didn’t know I had been that irritable. I promptly went downstairs and took a half of the dosage the doctor prescribed. I hate to say it but within an hour I felt a differnce as well. My whole demeanor changed.
If this is what I’m going to be like then I need to adjust and retry later. After I get some exercise built back into the routine. So much for controlling without medication.