Impulse Control and Other Traits I Got From My Dad
Do you have good impulse control? Do you see something that interests you, zero in on it like a laser beam, and then keep on it until it’s done? Like new appliances, or maybe furnace appliances? Does this drive your spouse crazy?
The answer to those questions for myself are No, Yes, Yes, and Yes.
That sequence of responses may be wrong for others in your life, but for those taking the test there is no wrong answer.
I wish I did, but I don’t. It seems like when I get into a pattern I can’t get myself out until I come headlong into reality. Like a visit with my dad and listening to him piddle away every dime he ever made for the last 50 years of his life on the next new thing. It’s that stark look into a possible future self that brings home all that awaits you as you see yourself and all of the traits you inherited from him.
That sounds terrible. For most of my life I thought that my impulsiveness was mine alone. My Dad wasn’t really around and it was probably for the better really. I knew about his infamous brainstorms only after I was an adult. He’d have a far fetched idea and without considering his family, he’d be off. Well at least when he was younger. After he married my step mother OkJun he toned it down quite a bit because she would kick his arse all over town.
But it still exists. He goes in cycles like all people do. The funny thing is I see in him what I see in myself or vice versa as it is. There are good traits. Persistence, optimism, hope, faith, trust, and imagination. But the impulse control - man it blows. The difference now is that I know. I know what A.D.D. is. I know what I can do about it. I am doing it. I’m still working on impulse control.
Unfortunately my Dad doesn’t and he probably won’t. While I don’t listen as well as others, the last people he will listen to are his children. While his perception is that others may do things out of friendship and the like, his children on some level are obligated. Which we are, on some level. It’s too bad he doesn’t see that if he treated us as well as he treated his friends, we could be his friends too, instead of his obligated children he’s ignored for the better part of 40 years until he’s exhausted every avenue and has to ask for help.
Self Perception
In the last couple of weeks I have been making an attempt to branch out my understanding of ADD by reading some books by other authors. I picked up one in particular that was on Adult ADD. It is written by a psychologist that specializes in ADD and helping people to cope with their self perception. I have also picked up a work book looking to it to maybe create some more regular life processes.
As I started to read them I found them both to be disappointing. My initial look at them in the bookstore left me to hope I would find value in them. I can see where they would have value for many people who struggle with issues of confidence or understanding depending on their upbringing and their own experiences. I have not found them to as yet provide me with any more clarity regarding ADD than I have gained by the previous two books I read.
In my view of ADD, I do not see it as a life threatening disease. I see it as someone might view getting prescribed glasses for the first time. They knew they weren’t seeing things as clearly as others and weren’t sure why. Then they found a pair of glasses from a friend and realized that they were seeing things with some added clarity but decided to get checked out for themselves. After going to the eye doctor and getting a prescription they found that it was clearer and now they have a way of seeing clearer.
Like ADD, getting eye glasses takes some time to adjust. You have to remember to take them with you. You have to take care of them or they get broken and you have to get a new pair. Even when you do take them with you, putting them on is just as important or they don’t do any good.
Discovering ADD is exactly the same. You have a diagnosis and possibly a prescription. You take the medicine and it helps you to balance out yourself in many ways. Helps you to see the world in a clearer light without ten thousand thoughts racing through your head. Or at least without acting on them all at once. Developing your own processes and routines to help manage information, ideas, responsibilities, etc so that you function at a level that will allow you to leverage your abilities where before they might not have been.
Most people, “normal” or not, have had their fair share of hard knocks. ADD is not always to blame. If it is I look at it like failing to wear glasses when driving and getting a ticket because you couldn’t make out the signs. Adults who have inflicted pain or suffering on children do so because of who they are, not because of who you are. Either they have their own issues they are taking out on the children or they fail to consider the possibility that a particular child might need something different from other children. That’s not the child’s fault.
I am not the reason my parents made bad choices. They made those by themselves. I am the reason I make bad choices. As an adult my boss does not have the responsibility to take into consideration my deficiencies, only that a job needs done. If I am unable to complete the tasks he’s given me I need to communicate that to him or find another job.
When I found out I had ADD and what it is exactly it did not change who I was looking at in the mirror. It just brought him into focus so I could see him clearer. So instead of thinking I had a unibrow I see I had ink on my face.
Self Respect
I wanted to title this “Self Respect - Where does it come from and where does it go?” That’s just too long. Another blog I read recently Love A.D.D.eral said at the end that “the longer you rely on drugs to feel competent, the less respect you’ll have for who you are without it.”
Respecting yourself for who you are? Hmmm. What does this respect mean? Wikipedia - Respect states “Respect is an assumption of good faith and competence in another person or in the whole of oneself. Depth of integrity, trust, complementary moral values, and skill are necessary components.[1]”
Good faith and competence in the whole of oneself. So things that diminish this assumption of good faith and competence would be what the previous author was talking about. So if you rely on drugs to combat shortcomings and you rely on them to either mask or help you to overcome these short comings does that mean you lose that faith and competence in yourself to do it without the medication?
As my ADD brain is working I see two lines of sight in this. If you use it to mask your shortcomings then do you have self respect to begin with? The person that gets drunk every day at the bar because they are incapable of being home alone or dealing with some type of pain. That would be a mask. The person that wears a girdle to hide their midsection bulge isn’t using a drug but they are masking the truth all the same.
So if medication is used to overcome their shortcomings does that mean they have less self respect? I can’t remember all the notes I typed up from my meeting yesterday. So I print them out and take them with me to my next meeting. What about my planner I use for my calendar? Does that mean the same thing? I can’t keep my appointments straight. It’s not a mask, but a shortcoming.
Now ADD medication is a little different in my life. In my world I am not necessarily hyper active, but I’m active. From a physical/social meaning I am overly sensitive. That’s been good and bad. Sounds other people may not interpret I enjoy. Tastes some may not identify I can thoroughly revel in. Touch sends messages all through me. Even if it’s a friend hitting me in the arm. Does that sound strange? To someone that doesn’t experience this I’m sure. The down side is that sounds that others might enjoy can turn into noise. Food that some might find enjoyable has no value to my tongue. The unspoken word says more to me than the spoken.
ADD Medication changes this. It turns the volume on the sensitivity down. Sometimes too far. Instead of enjoying food I don’t eat. Instead of having a glass of my favorite scotch I can’t taste the subtle wood flavors so I don’t drink. The electricity of touch turns to numbness and I end up leaving my wife alone(which to some degree she’s happy). Does this mask the over reactions I had? Am I hiding it?
On the other hand as my work-home life grew past a point I could leverage with my old coping methods to manage I needed something else to help. The medication is my tool for that. It’s not a crutch in the sense I can’t function without it, but it’s more a means to help me stay focused on the large volume of tasks I have. Do I like taking medicine every day? I don’t think about it like that. I think about it like I wouldn’t leave the house with my cell phone so why would I leave without my medication.
Have I lost faith in myself to function? No. Have I lost faith in myself to excel? No. I went 37 years without it. I am not the owner of Jet Blue or some other multinational company. I’m a guy with a job like anyone else. I have responsibilities to my family, my friends, my company, and my co-workers. My medication is my equivalent of starting to use a planner when before I used post-it notes. For the sensitivity question, while the level of medication does have more of an impact on my life than I would prefer, it’s the same as having on sunglasses, they are just darker than they need to be all the time. A significant point to this is that before I was drinking pots of coffee or caffeine equivalent every day - for over 20 years. So instead of shooting in the dark with caffeine I’m taking something administered.
So to answer my original question, my respect comes from years of learning from all of the crazy things I’ve done. Good and bad. Where does it go? Nowhere. As long as I remember what the qualities are that make me who I am then I will have it. Have I lost it? Yes. Will I lose it again? No. Why? Because besides everything I have done, I have a family that appreciates me for who I am and what I do. Their love is proof enough of my competence and that will always be my source of faith to be who I should be.