The Face In The Mirror
When you look in the mirror who do you see? Do you see you for who you are or is it still an open question? For most of my life it was an open question.
Sometime ago my wife and I were going through some difficulties and she posed the question, “Are you a good person that makes bad choices or a bad person trying to be good?” When she asked me that question, at the time, I didn’t know it was related to the first question I asked.
Over the last 20 years I have found myself looking in the mirror trying to identify who that person was. I knew that I was in there, and I recognized the face but time and time again I found myself looking in the mirror not sure who was the person that had got me into that position at the time.After I was recently diagnosed with AD/HD and started to do more research into the subject I began to understand that I was that person staring back but that unknowingly I had a part of me that could override my logic, reason, and moral processes. I also realized that while not beyond my control, the impulses that were brilliant and inspiring to others at times were also pushing me to do things I wouldn’t have done if the other processes had control.
For years I had been asking myself the question “Am I crazy?” Another question that I commonly asked was “What am I doing?” I had no answer for that. It has been so frustrating and debilitating to struggle with that. While I’ve been good at what I do by various means of self management I have often asked myself, “What if they find out I have no idea what I’m doing?” This self doubt even made it into my bathroom mirror.
Now that I know who that person is, me, I work to manage my emotions and strange impulses. I am taking notes during the day of things that I do that I shouldn’t have done and trying to identify how I could turn that impulse around. One of the things that I’ve started to do is when an idea pops into my head is record it somehow so that I get it out of my head. Before that impulse to take action kicks in. I don’t do it everytime but I’m still getting used to it.
The more I learn the more I realize that I have to learn. It’s not a simple fix but a constant evaluation and adjustment to harness the bad but release the good of AD/HD so that I see clearly the person looking back in the mirror.
Being Thankful For Having AD/HD
I’m not an expert on time management. I’m not an expert on AD/HD. I’m a normal person like everyone else, except that I have one of the greatest gifts in the world. I have AD/HD. Why is this a great gift? Isn’t this a disorder? Isn’t this a curse that has caused millions of people pain and suffering, myself included? Yes to all of the above. So let me tell you why I think it’s a great gift.
- It helps me to think faster
- I can multi-task better almost anyone
- It helps me to think of new ways to do things
- I can do more because I need less sleep
- Food tastes better
- Touch means more
- Colors and settings are prettier
- Success feels sweeter
- I get to help my children grow up stronger
How do I know these things? I just look around. I look at the way I do things, the way others respond to me, and I look at my successes and failures. Here’s my corresponding list to explain the above.
- I am and always will be the idea man to those around me. Where some people look at the box and see a box I see a stand, a seat, a spaceship, the body of a robot, a container for donations for the drive tomorrow. Is that distractability? Yes. But it’s my brain firing so much faster than others.
- I take on multiple projects when I shouldn’t. It’s the complete lack of impulse control that gets me into this pickle. Is that bad? Not even close. I have a full time job where I manage the hardest projects, many at the same time. I have a side business doing what I love most, cooking. How I do it is with managing the information and the tasks as they come to me. I use lists, project plans, recording devices. I manage my emotions by taking breaks when I need it and find ways to transition.
- In my life I see 10 options for 1 choice. Some people see 1 choice. Maybe the 1 choice is the best choice, but sometimes it’s not and it’s the ability to think outside the box that I value.
- I don’t need a lot of sleep. Is sleeplessness a symptom of AD/HD? Not necessarily but the energy that prevents me from sitting still is the same energy that wakes me up after a 4 to 6 hour sleep each night. So I have so much more time to do what I want.
- The next three are all related. Normal everyday stimulus can be overwhelming to people with AD/HD. Noise, smells, visual, taste, touch. Not everyone, but for some. I am one of those. This sensitivity helps me to enjoy simple experiences. The taste of dark chocolate as it kicks the chemicals off in your brain down through your body just by sitting on your tongue. The simple electricity that is felt in the touch of a hand. The sights of the leaves changing in the fall. When I was younger and learning to speak two different Chinese dialects I couldn’t shut out the conversations so I began to use that and practice my language skills by translating from the side conversations into English. Sometimes from two different conversations in two different languages at the same time. Curse? No way.
- The person with AD/HD yearns for and more importantly needs praise or gratification. It means a lot to the person with AD/HD as praise is responsible for kicking off key chemicals in your brain that help them feel “normal” or right. When praise or that gratification from others comes even in the smallest forms it feels like a warm blanket on a cold night. Similar to that piece of chocolate above.
- Understanding what I have makes me that much better prepared to help my children in the event that they have this too. It doesn’t mean I’m going to start medicating them at the age of 6 or 7. It means I get to educate them and their teachers about their strengths and weaknesses. It means they gets to learn coping methods I had to figure out on my own. They get to see the world in such a great light.
Like I said at the beginning of the article. I’m not an expert. I’m newly diagnosed and like all new things am excited and have a lot of energy. So I spend this energy on reading as much as I can. Articles, forums, book, etc. I see how people portray this mixed bag I have, some positive and some negative.Most important of all this Thanksgiving is that I am grateful for finally understanding why and what I have. My life just got so much better.
A Diagnosis Delivered
3-4 months ago I was diagnosed with AD/HD. I dismissed it as an excuse for bad behaviour or energetic children. Earlier this year a doctor told me I had a completely different disorder after talking to me for 15 - 20 minutes. That one put me in the hospital for a day. It completely put me off the diagnosis offered by the mental health profession.
I was and still am to some extent convinced that medical professionals in large are becoming prescription writers. There are other ways to treat illness, physical or mental than just prescribing the latest and greatest medication. It was for this skepticism that I was hesitant in seeing a psychiatrist again about anything that they could not fully diagnose. But after talking to my family doctor and doing some research I relented and made an appointment to see a psychiatrist about AD/HD in the event it was a real diagnosis.
We sat and discussed my past starting from my childhood. We talked about major life events and also issues that finally brought me to his door. After sitting and discussing these for about an hour he suggested I try some medication to determine if it would help in the issues I am facing and to read a prominent book about AD/HD titled “Driven To Distraction”.
I did both. I was amazed at the initial effect of the medication. The clarity. The focus. Seeing my world through a clear lense for what seemed like the first time. Being able to sit down and work at my desk for hours instead of minutes. To be able to listen to a conference call for the whole time and get something out of it. To complete a large number of tasks without hesitation and procrastination. In the weeks following at the Dr.’s orders we’ve adjusted the medication dosage to find the right amount that 1. lasts the duration we need it to and 2. causes the least amount of side effects. It’s a work in progress.
More amazing than the medication was the book. It was as if I could finally understand why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made over the years. It explained motivations behind many of the decisions I’ve made through out my life. Some good and some bad. The more I read the more I learned about what AD/HD is and isn’t.
What it is:
-
A neurological disorder in the brain where the uptake of key chemicals is off balance. Not any different than the people that suffer from depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, schizophrenia, or anything else that relies on the brain’s capability to regulate chemical uptake and creation.
- A disorder that is manifested by multiple symptoms that all start from childhood. Whether the person realizes it or not until much later is irrelevant. The history is there that provides the foundation for the diagnosis.
- Treatable
- Manageable
- Lifelong
What it isn’t:
- An excuse for screwing up if an accurate diagnosis has been made.
- An excuse for not living up to your ideas or goals
- A hinderance to your life if you don’t want it to.
I’m not an expert. I’m learning. I know now what some of my inherited limitations are. In my life with all that I have accomplished I also realize that I have left goals left undone and unexplained. I see why they went undone. Not because of the loftiness or the length of time but because they would have been difficult for normal people but for someone with AD/HD they were unrealistic. Not that I have limitations to what I can accomplish but in the way that I go about it.
The traits that are symptomatic of AD/HD are also some of my best qualities. Creative, daring, impulsive, sensitive, ability to hyper focus for extended durations to complete tasks, multitasking. These are what have made me what I am today. My question now is since I understand this the only question is with the knowledge what will it make me tomorrow.