Self Respect
I wanted to title this “Self Respect - Where does it come from and where does it go?” That’s just too long. Another blog I read recently Love A.D.D.eral said at the end that “the longer you rely on drugs to feel competent, the less respect you’ll have for who you are without it.”
Respecting yourself for who you are? Hmmm. What does this respect mean? Wikipedia - Respect states “Respect is an assumption of good faith and competence in another person or in the whole of oneself. Depth of integrity, trust, complementary moral values, and skill are necessary components.[1]”
Good faith and competence in the whole of oneself. So things that diminish this assumption of good faith and competence would be what the previous author was talking about. So if you rely on drugs to combat shortcomings and you rely on them to either mask or help you to overcome these short comings does that mean you lose that faith and competence in yourself to do it without the medication?
As my ADD brain is working I see two lines of sight in this. If you use it to mask your shortcomings then do you have self respect to begin with? The person that gets drunk every day at the bar because they are incapable of being home alone or dealing with some type of pain. That would be a mask. The person that wears a girdle to hide their midsection bulge isn’t using a drug but they are masking the truth all the same.
So if medication is used to overcome their shortcomings does that mean they have less self respect? I can’t remember all the notes I typed up from my meeting yesterday. So I print them out and take them with me to my next meeting. What about my planner I use for my calendar? Does that mean the same thing? I can’t keep my appointments straight. It’s not a mask, but a shortcoming.
Now ADD medication is a little different in my life. In my world I am not necessarily hyper active, but I’m active. From a physical/social meaning I am overly sensitive. That’s been good and bad. Sounds other people may not interpret I enjoy. Tastes some may not identify I can thoroughly revel in. Touch sends messages all through me. Even if it’s a friend hitting me in the arm. Does that sound strange? To someone that doesn’t experience this I’m sure. The down side is that sounds that others might enjoy can turn into noise. Food that some might find enjoyable has no value to my tongue. The unspoken word says more to me than the spoken.
ADD Medication changes this. It turns the volume on the sensitivity down. Sometimes too far. Instead of enjoying food I don’t eat. Instead of having a glass of my favorite scotch I can’t taste the subtle wood flavors so I don’t drink. The electricity of touch turns to numbness and I end up leaving my wife alone(which to some degree she’s happy). Does this mask the over reactions I had? Am I hiding it?
On the other hand as my work-home life grew past a point I could leverage with my old coping methods to manage I needed something else to help. The medication is my tool for that. It’s not a crutch in the sense I can’t function without it, but it’s more a means to help me stay focused on the large volume of tasks I have. Do I like taking medicine every day? I don’t think about it like that. I think about it like I wouldn’t leave the house with my cell phone so why would I leave without my medication.
Have I lost faith in myself to function? No. Have I lost faith in myself to excel? No. I went 37 years without it. I am not the owner of Jet Blue or some other multinational company. I’m a guy with a job like anyone else. I have responsibilities to my family, my friends, my company, and my co-workers. My medication is my equivalent of starting to use a planner when before I used post-it notes. For the sensitivity question, while the level of medication does have more of an impact on my life than I would prefer, it’s the same as having on sunglasses, they are just darker than they need to be all the time. A significant point to this is that before I was drinking pots of coffee or caffeine equivalent every day - for over 20 years. So instead of shooting in the dark with caffeine I’m taking something administered.
So to answer my original question, my respect comes from years of learning from all of the crazy things I’ve done. Good and bad. Where does it go? Nowhere. As long as I remember what the qualities are that make me who I am then I will have it. Have I lost it? Yes. Will I lose it again? No. Why? Because besides everything I have done, I have a family that appreciates me for who I am and what I do. Their love is proof enough of my competence and that will always be my source of faith to be who I should be.
Diagnosis Week 4
Today starts the 4th week of being diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder. I’ve devoured all the information I can. I have read two of Dr. Halloway’s books and all of the posts and articles I can pertaining to adult AD/HD.
The good news is that I am learning, but even better is that many of the coping methods for surviving at work, finding work, excelling at work are processes and tactics I’ve developed over the years.
With the addition of medication it has enabled me to excel in ways I didn’t think possible. I’m moving faster, more efficiently, clearer, and best of all smarter. It has put me on a ground that I was stumbling as I moved but now am running. I’m so excited for the coming year. It’s going to be a busy year as I’ve just taken on one of, if not the largest project in my group that will last the entire year with a combined team of over 20 people. I’m actually working on a development plan and going to begin working with a mentor to help me refine the skills I’ve always been a little short on. Namely diplomacy.
The bad news is that as my wife and I are talking about it I’ve discovered how completely impossible I’ve been to live with. How I’ve neglected my kids, or been absent in my own world except when dragged kicking and screaming into the family’s existence. How irritable I’ve been towards my family. How selfish and distant I’ve been. It’s affected our finances, not to destruction but I see where I could have been. The only thing to do is to look forward and get moving. I see how I’ve been missing out on things and how it’s affected my children.
In the weeks since starting on the medication I’ve seen them, and they see me. The road to repairing the distance will take time. Especially building trust with my wife, but at least we understand why. My friends and extended family have been great, for those that I’ve told. Some of them are already seeing a difference.
Today was an interesting day. I woke up at my usual time and started my day out in a typical way. Today I resolved to forgo medication to see how I handled the day and what it brought. Being a Saturday there was low risk of screwing things up. That is until my wife walks in and confides that I’ve been an irritable grump the whole morning and that this is what I’ve been like for the last 8 years. I knew I was grumpy but didn’t know I had been that irritable. I promptly went downstairs and took a half of the dosage the doctor prescribed. I hate to say it but within an hour I felt a differnce as well. My whole demeanor changed.
If this is what I’m going to be like then I need to adjust and retry later. After I get some exercise built back into the routine. So much for controlling without medication.